Most of us assume that identity is something we establish early and then carry forward. In reality, identity is something we revisit—often repeatedly—across adulthood. Life changes, relationships shift, careers evolve, and what once felt like “us” can begin to feel outdated or misaligned.
This article is a foundational exploration of identity in adulthood, particularly for those navigating solo living, midlife transitions, or quieter but profound personal changes. Here, we look at how identity forms, erodes or reshapes over time, and how we can consciously reconnect with who we are now—not who we were expected to be.
This piece serves as a starting point for many of the themes on this blog, including life pivots, purpose, aging, and intentional living.
So let’s talk about identity.
One of the most striking qualities in people who thrive later in life is that quiet comfort within their own skin. They know what they value, know where their time and energy belong. Sitting proudly in their independence, they have a strong sense of belonging within the world that they have created for themselves and among their tribe. This seems most pronounced for older solos.
And they make choices—conscious, deliberate choices—that reflect that.
What Can We Learn About Identity From These Mentors?
They are a beacon, these gentle warriors. Role models on how to live remarkably. They probably never dreamed they’d be an example for the rest of us solos following in their footsteps They’ve been weather tested and come out the other end better for it. We can use them now to show us the way. Not by giving us step-by-step directions, but by showing us what’s possible when you refuse to live only by others’ rules.
But if you’re not there yet? Welcome to the club. The struggle to feel that kind of confidence and contentment with one’s life is real. For some, it doesn’t arrive overnight. It creeps in slowly, usually in our 50s or 60s, and when it hits, it can feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us. For others, it arrives with such a brute force, due to unexpected life upsets where you become unexpectedly single, and it can feel like a punch in the face! Maybe your life isn’t working out anywhere near how you planned it.
Don’t Suffer in Silence, It’s Time to Steady Yourself For the Identity Shift Ahead of You
The truth is, this identity confusion often goes unnoticed by others, especially with the quiet creep kind. From the outside, you might look steady and composed. Managing to cope with life’s slings and arrows and doing just fine.
Inside, though? There’s that irritating whisper that grows louder and louder until it becomes an unmistakable shout: “The life you’ve been living is no longer enough and not working for you anymore.” At first we ignore it, until we can’t any longer. We know we’ve got to act on it. And yet, no one hands us the map on how to get through it.
The First Step: Start Looking Within to Resolve the Identity Crisis
I believe you can’t feel truly comfortable—or productive—without at least some sense of who you are. Otherwise, where do you place your time? Your energy? Your heart?
The good news: you don’t have to invent the path from scratch. Solos who have walked this road before us—the brave ones who lit their lanterns in the dark—can serve as mentors. Most explored, diversified, made bold changes at some point along their road. They adjusted, made subtle shifts or careened recklessly, but one way or another they lived, got back up when they got knocked down, and refused to be quietened.
The Path of Identity For the Flourishing Solo
Flourishing solos eventually realize that following the herd won’t lead to happiness. They stop following what the media pushes, or what family, friends, neighbours and coworkers suggest and expect. It seems for them, the only way forward is to first fix your solo “situation”. Somehow that doesn’t seem like the answer. How many coupled people at mid-life go through an identity crisis? Mostly of them (in my opinion).
Think about the past journeys for all of us:
- In our teens, it’s peer pressure.
- In our 20s, the fear of falling behind.
- In our 30s, self-sacrifice for family or work.
- In our 40s, regret for lost time.
By mid-life, the lucky ones finally might have more time to begin experimenting on actions that are “just for them”. They test out different lifestyles, hobbies, and circles. They discover which ones feed their spirit and which ones drain it.
They begin to find the courage to say “no” to requests that don’t serve them and dedicate less time to those in their lives that are the “energy vampires”.
They ask themselves, perhaps for the first time,
“Is this what I really want or what somebody else wants for me?”
“When I look back at the end of life will I feel that I took the path that made me whole?”
“Oh, but now old friends, they’re acting strange
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I’ve changed
Well, something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day.”Joni Mitchell “Both Sides Now”
And over years of wins and losses, they learn what really matters.
The result? They’re braver. More curious. Less willing to compromise. They’ve grown through trial, error, and reflection—not because someone told them how, but because they dared to try. And you can too.
Your Awakening
Here’s the shift: self-identity isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about exploration. It’s an act of self-love. It’s not about finding someone, it’s about finding yourself.
As soon as you begin the journey—even clumsily—you’ll feel the relief. The point is not to know. The point is to start.
Yes, it may feel uncomfortable. The path will twist. You’ll get lost. You’ll turn back sometimes. But one day, the whispering at 3 a.m. will quiet down, and you’ll find yourself walking a trail that feels smoother, lighter, more aligned. That’s when you know you’re onto something.
A Practical First Step
But what if you feel stuck? What if you “look within” and hear… nothing?
Start by removing the noise. Set aside a morning just for you. Go somewhere quiet—your favourite coffee shop, a park bench, the edge of a lake. For me, it’s the forest or the shoreline near my home. Nature always strips away the clutter and reconnects me to myself.
Take a few deep breaths. If you’re restless, walk first—let your body move until your mind calms. Then, sink into the silence. Listen. Notice.
Now, think back to when you were young. Before responsibility piled on. Where did you feel alive? What did you love doing so much you lost track of time? Could any of those dreams, in some form, still belong in your life?
Even the smallest spark is worth following.
And don’t pressure yourself to turn that spark into something “useful” or impressive. It doesn’t need to earn money, build status, or prove anything. Its only job is to make you feel more like yourself again.
The Seeking Stage to Feel Less Lost
This is the stage of testing and trying.
- Sign up for something you’re curious about, even if you’re unsure.
- Pay attention: did it light you up, or drain you?
- Keep notes if it helps, start journalling, create a gratitude journal or try to write poetry or small snippets/memoirs.
- Read other people’s memoirs.
- Notice which photos appeal to you the most on a stock photography website.
- Which of your own photos over a lifetime are the ones that mean the most to you?
- Talk, talk and talk some more to people you admire or seem to be leading lives that you find interesting.
You’re in the clue gathering stage. These actions may amount to something bigger or they may be a dead end. Either way, you’ve gained something—a new perspective, a new experience, maybe even a new friend. That’s never wasted.
And here’s the reminder many of us need: lighten up. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Laugh. Talk to strangers. Be open to the unexpected.
Because the truth is, opportunities often come when we’re relaxed, curious, and fully present.
Wrapping Up (For Now)
This is just the beginning. Next week, in Part II, I’ll share my ideas on acceptance and some solo insights, and suggest more practical ways to explore new paths and awaken long-buried dreams—so you can sketch out your own map for this second chapter of life.
For now, start small. Breathe. Look within. Take one step toward something that calls to you.
Because self identity isn’t a riddle to solve—it’s a journey to walk.
If you think volunteering might help you to find what interests you, and you’d like to give back click on this link to find contact info where you might begin your search for volunteering opportunities.
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