By midlife, many of us are quietly carrying a heavy thought:
Maybe relationships didn’t/don’t work because I’m difficult. Too independent. Too much—or not enough. Not cut out to be somebody’s partner.
I want to gently challenge that idea.
What if the real issue isn’t effort, commitment, or even love—but a mismatch in how people are wired?
One of the most helpful lenses I’ve found for understanding this (without blaming yourself or your partner) is the Myers-Briggs personality model, based on the work of psychologist Carl Jung. This isn’t about boxing yourself into a particular typecast.
It’s a tool for self-reflection and sparking deep conversations about how each type approaches love, affection, how you see the world, how you make decisions and where you get your energy from.
Think of it as a way to understand why certain relationship setups feel natural to you—and why others quietly drain the life out of you.
What Is Myers-Briggs (Without the Classroom Vibe)?
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) looks at patterns—how people tend to:
- get their energy
- take in information
- make decisions
- structure their lives
It doesn’t tell you what you should want. It helps explain what you already want—and why.
There are 16 distinct personality types, each defined by four pairs of preferences. Everyone possesses traits from all four categories, but the test reveals which traits come most naturally to you. By answering specific questions on the Myers-Briggs Test, you can see how strongly you lean toward one trait or the other within each category.
The Four Preferences
Trait One: Where You Recharge
- Extraversion (E): People and activity fill your tank
- Introversion (I): Quiet time and space refill you
This alone explains countless relationship arguments. I think that there are many successful extrovert-introvert pairings, but that works best when they understand and appreciate each others’ preferences.
As an introvert, few things are more exhausting than an extrovert insisting you join them in loud, crowded places or, even worse, inviting others over without any prior notice.
Extroverts may sometimes perceive introverts as “boring” because they don’t fully understand the importance of the “down time” introverts need to recharge. As a result, they might take it personally when an invitation is declined, not realizing that extroverts recharge by being around others, while introverts regain energy through solitude.
And don’t even get me started on an extrovert vacationing with an introvert. They’re not always the best travel companions, though many manage to make it work. Success depends on clearly communicating expectations beforehand.
It works best if both agree that some time spent doing individual things while on vacation allows each to get the holiday they dream of and need.
Trait Two: How You See the World
- Sensing (S): You focus on real facts, what you can see, hear, and touch; the “here and now”
- Intuition (N): You like big ideas, possibilities, and “what if” scenarios; the “big picture”
Sometimes this pairing works because Sensors can ground Intuitives to still remain a little steeped in the present, and Intuitives can inspire the Sensors to dream bigger than their current circumstances may suggest. It takes honest respect for the other, no judgement or belittling of the others’ natural inclination.
Trait Three: How You Decide
- Thinking (T): You lead with logic, consistency, and fairness
- Feeling (F): You lead with values, empathy, and emotional impact
I think this can be one of the biggest sources of misunderstanding in relationships. One personal observation I’ll offer (and you may disagree):
Thinking and Feeling types often irritate each other—not because they’re incompatible, but because they truly don’t understand how the other arrives at decisions.
Ts may feel that Fs are emotional or illogical. Fs may think that Ts are cold or dismissive.
Often, neither is true.
They’re simply using different internal languages.
Understanding this doesn’t magically fix everything—but it can soften judgment and reduce resentment.
Trait Four: How You Like to Live
- Judging (J): You like plans, structure, and decisions made
- Perceiving (P): You like flexibility, options, and freedom to adapt
This shows up in daily life—routines, commitments, even how weekends feel. J partners can feel frustrated by P’s lack of follow-through, while P partners can feel stifled by J’s rigid plans. However, they complement each other by offering different approaches to life’s challenges, with J providing direction and P bringing adaptability and fun.
The test results provide scores for all four personality traits. For example, an individual might score highest as an Extroverted-Intuitive-Feeling-Perceiving (ENFP).
As there are 2 preferences in each 4 traits there end up being 16 different combinations of personalities (remember your grade 5 probability tree?).
Some individuals will have stronger scores, while others may fall more in the middle, influenced by traits on both sides. You’ll receive your results instantly, and the process takes approximately 10 minutes to complete.
You can take the Myers Briggs Test online to see where you land (it’s free). Read on to see how we all can view our past experiences (and not repeat them), and which traits make for the best solos.
What Personality Explains, That We Rarely Talk About
Personality doesn’t just explain who you are. It explains:
- Why some people feel calm living alone while others feel lonely
- Why compromise energizes some people and exhausts others
- Why “communication problems” are often energy mismatches, not lack of love
- Why certain relationship patterns repeat—even with different partners
When we ignore personality, we tend to personalize everything.
When we understand it, we can stop asking, What’s wrong with me? and start asking, What actually works for me?
A Solo Lens (because there are more people than ever choosing a solo lifestyle)
If you’re living solo, personality insight can be especially freeing.
Some people are single because they haven’t yet found the right partner. Others choose to be solo after years of experience, discovering they thrive better on their own. And some remain single due to circumstances beyond their control.
Some singles choose to remain that way for life. Others are seeking to repartner, while some say, “Maybe I’ll repartner if the right person comes along under the right circumstances.”
All are valid lifestyle choices. Some partnerships thrive and plan to remain together forever, while others may be less happy but feel bound by lifelong commitment. Still, some seek the quickest and least painful way to move on. This is simply the human experience.
Looking Back Without Self-Blame
Understanding your personality can help explain things like:
- Why you felt relieved after a relationship ended
- Why living alone brought peace instead of loneliness
Seeing things from a personality perspective might free you from some of the shame you may carry with you from past break ups.
Looking Ahead With Clarity
For solos who are open to partnering again, this lens helps you:
- Choose more compatible personalities
- Name your non-negotiables earlier
- Design relationships differently (don’t just repeat old models)
And for those happy solo?
It can confirm that your independence isn’t avoidance—it’s alignment.
First, an important framing (this matters)
No Myers-Briggs type is meant to be solo or partnered.
But some personalities:
- regain energy alone
- value autonomy over togetherness
- feel less threatened by quiet, routine, or independence
- experience less social pressure to “pair up” for validation
Those traits tend to make a solo lifestyle feel comfortable rather than lonely.
Personality Traits That Often Do Well Living Solo
Across the Myers Briggs model, solo-friendly types usually share some of these:
- Introversion (I) – recharge alone
- Intuition (N) – internally rich inner world
- Thinking (T) – less emotionally distressed by solitude
- Judging (J) – comfortable with structure and self-directed routines
Not all solo-comfortable types have all four—but many have two or three.
The MBTI Types That Often Adjust Especially Well to Solo Living
(Keep in mind, this is merely an observation and a possible tendency. It is not meant to be prescriptive, and I definitely don’t want anyone to jeopardize a perfectly good relationship based on a test result or a misinterpretation of this article.)
ISTJ – The Logistician
ISTJs often realize they felt relief after relationships ended—and mistake that for emotional failure instead of alignment. Many people mistake the relief of solitude for “being cold,” when really it’s just the nervous system finally finding its baseline
INTJ – The Architect
INTJs often struggle in cohabitation not because they can’t love—but because they feel suffocated by constant negotiation.
ISTP – The Virtuoso
ISTPs may look detached in relationships, often feeling more themselves when living independently.
INTP – The Thinker
INTPs often find relationships draining not emotionally—but cognitively.
INFJ – The Advocate
INFJs often crave connection—but only the right kind. Solo living can be peaceful rather than lonely.
ISFJ – The Defender
For an ISFJ, solo living is an act of self-preservation. It allows them to transform from a “Nurturer of others” into a “Nurturer of self.” In midlife, this can lead to a profound sense of autonomy and the realization that they are their own best company.
Caution:
ISFJs may struggle if solo life becomes isolating rather than chosen.
Types That Often Struggle More With Long-Term Solo Living
This does not mean they can’t live solo—it just tends to be harder.
- ENFP / ESFP – thrive on shared experiences
- ESFJ / ENFJ – deeply relational and other-focused
- ENTJ – independent but often want a co-pilot
- INFP – values intimacy deeply, even while needing space
These types often do better when solo living is temporary, transitional, or purpose-driven, rather than permanent.
A Crucial Reframe for Solos
If you are happy living solo:
- You are not avoidant
- You are not emotionally stunted
- You are not selfish
- You are not “failing at relationships”
You may simply have a personality that:
- Regulates best with autonomy
- Thinks clearly in solitude
- Loves deeply but selectively
- Requires space to function well
That is not brokenness.
That is design.
About Partnering
Many solo-comfortable types can partner beautifully, but only if:
- Independence is respected
- Space is not pathologized
- Togetherness is intentional, not constant
This is especially true for ISTJs and INTJs.
You don’t need more relationship.
You need the right structure for relationship. This is where LAT’s (Living Apart Together) comes in handy.
My Own Example: Living Solo as an ISTJ
I’m an ISTJ.
ISTJs tend to value:
- stability
- responsibility
- independence
- clear roles and expectations
It turns out this personality often finds solo living very comfortable.
That’s certainly true for me. I can be genuinely happy living alone though it wouldn’t be my first choice. My life feels orderly, calm, and grounded.
That said, enjoying solo life doesn’t mean rejecting love.
If I were to partner again, it would need to be with someone very special—someone whose personality complements mine, and who values both a shared life and separate inner worlds, who understands my need for some alone time “just because”. Maybe that’s a tall order, but it’s not off the table.
There’s no perfect match—but mutual respect for differences matters more than chemistry alone.
For Those Who Are Partnered
If you’re married or long-term partnered, this model may be of help to see things from another’s perspective.
It suggests that:
- recurring conflicts may be structural
- your partner isn’t trying to be difficult
- difference doesn’t mean disrespect
- Opposites can make it work with intention and understanding
Many couples find real relief when they can say:
“Oh—that’s how you’re wired.”
That awareness alone can change the tone of a relationship. Maybe it’s best not to try to change them, but to work with them, to find the commonalities and provide the space for each other to thrive as they naturally are.
What To Do With This (Simple Action Steps)
- Take a Myers-Briggs assessment (lightly—this is a starting point, not a verdict). I personally sometimes score as an ISTF (instead of ISTJ) depending on how I felt that day. It just means I’m not as strongly skewed in one direction on the “how I like to live” scale.
- Reflect on which parts of your personality feel most protected—or most drained—in relationships
- If partnered, compare types and talk about where you clash and where you complement. Do this on a relaxed night, maybe with a blanket and a glass of wine in a park somewhere non-threatening. It’s for growth, not as a breakup note
- If solo, ask yourself whether your lifestyle supports your best self—or needs small adjustments. If looking for a partner, maybe now you’ll know which traits to be on the look out for when dating. (Though bringing out the Myers Briggs Test on the first date may be overkill, unless your date happens to be high on the “Thinking” scale, because I would be so up for that myself!)
A Question to Sit With (and to Discuss)
Do you understand better where the mismatch might be in relationships after taking the Myers Briggs Test?
I’d love to hear how others see this.
Understanding personality doesn’t tell you how to live.
It helps you stop fighting who you are and stop believing others who suggest (or flat out tell you) that “there is something wrong with you”.
And for many of us—solo or partnered—that’s where peace finally begins.
For more articles on relationships why not read my post on Finding Social Courage in Midlife
Or, check out my YouTube channel. Why not begin with this video on Generation Jones:
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